Loss

There is a theme.  I sense that I am full to the top of questions.  I have past the point where I knew the answers.  I have invaded the territory of the unknown.  Our good God will not be boxed.  He is free.  He is bigger than what we can comprehend or understand.  Yet, he comes down to us and says "come let us reason together."  It is almost laughable.  How can I reason with God?  Could I answer one of His questions?

There is nothing that can be done.  He is outside of our control.  He is good but not limited to our perception of good.  How awful (to be understood in the old English sense "awesome") it is to stand in the presence of His mighty power.  

I am standing empty.  The Lord has given and then taken.  There are moments when it seems a blessing, yet, the ache and the apathy overwhelms me.  I am sinking in the mire.  What is left to grasp to but His mighty hand?  Will He reach out to save?

It is so easy to get wrapped up in a sense of our worth being derived from our position, our occupation, what we do.  Yet, we were made to be human beings, not doings.  Who am I?  Why was I made?

Can I respectfully say that I sometimes feel like a pawn in a giant chess game?  Can I say this and still retain my faith?  Or does the admission pre-date a turning from faith to doubt?

What about the promises?  Can one claim the promises and meet the conditions and still come up empty?  To whom were the promises written?  Why?

Why, is probably my biggest question.  Why Lord do You seem to draw back?  I am only holding on at times by a thread.  Can I really withstand Your retreat?  

The tide is coming in again and I sense myself sinking.  In the garden you spoke hope into their despair.  As they stood on the edge of the garden with the sword flaming between them and their home, You spoke hope.  They were banished from Your home gifted to them.  How could they hold onto the hope of not being banished from Your heart, if it wasn't for the promise?

As I stand on the edge of despair please speak hope into my life, for there are times when I fear being swept under.  What do You want from us?  Why?

The loss is aching through.  How does one cling to hope this side of Eden?